when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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