I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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