I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I will pee on everything he values.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
