I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize