Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
