I intend to get homeless drunk
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize