Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
