i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
