I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
