I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
