don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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