Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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