WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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