Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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