the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
