i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
