If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
did i walk over a car last night?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I party with great urgency now.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
