I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
