The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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