fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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