I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
