I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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