she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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