What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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