Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
