i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
