she takes plan B like it's going out of style
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Randomize
