I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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