and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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