I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
