Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
