She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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