he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
