You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
