Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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