Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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