it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Randomize
