Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
