id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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