I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
