I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
