ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize