too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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