Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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