Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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