I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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