I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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