My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
