I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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