how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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