i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
