is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
it's like heaven, but drunker
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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