Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
