yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
