3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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