I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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