I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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