I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
