I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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