I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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