Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
