A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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