Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
