My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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