last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
