I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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